On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he fucked my hip out of place.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
