I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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