All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
