He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
