im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am one with the molecules
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
