My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
