A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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