Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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