Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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