broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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