I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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