dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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