Jerry, you need to find god
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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