went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
