Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
