he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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