that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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