Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize