areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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