I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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