the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
