i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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