i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
