Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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