We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
