3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
