He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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