Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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