I swear she didn't look like that last week.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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