i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
