I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
