drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
