i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
