Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
