He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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