I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
