'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
