Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
