It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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