Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
