does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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