I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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