She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
