Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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