you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
