If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
