i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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