I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
