history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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