Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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