i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
