have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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