sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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