Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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