no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
