i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
