True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
