Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
