i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
