My friends, they love my intelligence
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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