Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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