It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
