Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
