My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Your penis caused this!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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