so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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