Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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