My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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