Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
